Clips from our wedding commentary

Unfortunately due to restrictions imposed by Prince Charles’ office Clarence House and the BBC, ABC2 has been unable to proceed with The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary. But here is a small sample of the pieces that would have been included with the commentary. Click here to view the clips.

The Chaser’s letter to Her Majesty The Queen

We are unable to proceed with The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary as planned this Friday because of restrictions placed on the footage by the Royal Family. It’s traditional for condemned people to appeal to the monarch for a stay of their execution, so we have written a letter to the Queen.

Please click the image to enlarge.

ABC press release on Royal Wedding Commentary cancellation

ABC TV has reluctantly cancelled its widely promoted program The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary because of new restrictions, imposed over Easter, on its planned ABC2 live coverage of the event.

Marrickville admits Israel sanctions pointless: plans full nuclear strike

Marrickville mayor Fiona Byrne has conceded that her council’s plan to impose sanctions on Israel will have no impact on its troubled relationship with Palestine. But Byrne remains committed to the Palestinian cause, and has threatened that unless Israel complies with UN resolutions, Marrickville will launch an atomic assault on it. Byrne admits that her decision to launch a nuclear war will come into conflict with another previous pointless resolution making Marrickville a nuclear-free zone.

Ponting declares too late, as usual

Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting put in a typically pugnacious but uninspired performance today, declaring his captaincy at an end long after the result was beyond doubt. “I’ve had no tap on the shoulder from anybody,” said Ponting, after he was tapped on the shoulder by the selectors and the entire Australian cricket community.

Mark McInnes gets new job: secretary role proving hard to fill

Disgraced former David Jones boss Mark McInnes says he is looking forward to returning to work as the chief executive of Premier Retail, a sentiment not echoed by the company’s female workers. Less than a year after he was forced to resign from David Jones in a sexual harassment scandal, McInnes will receive a lucrative $5.2 million dollar per year salary package, including base salary, car and $4 million a year to settle lawsuits.

SBS completes testing of pattern

It was a staple of late night TV for decades, but this week the Special Broadcasting Service announced that its test pattern has been taken off air, the testing finally concluded. the network has been investigating what would happen if somebody broadcast an incomprehensible assortment of multicoloured squares and shapes on national television for one hundred thousand hours, and finally it has an answer.

Ricky Nixon takes 20% of AFL footballers’ sex scandals

Ricky Nixon’s footballers are complaining their manager has taken more than the 20% share of sex scandals he is allowed under their contracts. “As AFL players, it’s our job to behave like dickheads and ruin our reputations, not Ricky’s,” said one of Nixon’s clients, who asked to remain anonymous until he is caught drink driving or involved in a sex scandal.

Santa’s workshop outsourced to Third World elves

The North Pole was hit with a series of devastating mass lay-offs yesterday when throngs of elves, some of whom had been working in the workshop for hundreds of years, found themselves locked out of the candy-coloured wooden entrance of Santa’s Toy Factory.

UN called in to resolve washing-up stalemate

The United Nations Security Council, hoping to stem the tide of refugees moving into neighbouring Jeff’s place, passed an emergency resolution calling for a roster of chores to be drawn up – a directive thus far ignored by the feuding flatmates. “The UN roadmap quite clearly states that Ray is supposed to have vacuumed by now,” Maluna said.