Pop-opera supergroup Il Divo has been forced to cancel its world tour after the foiled terrorist plot in Britain led to bans on liquids such as hair gel into hand-luggage. “Without inflight access to personal grooming products, our hairstyles will suffer, undoing all our years of hard work,” Swiss tenor Urs Bühler said. “Il Divo simply cannot perform under these conditions.”
“Imagine if an adoring fan travelling on the same flight saw one of us with a hair out of place,” he added. “Mein Gott, I’d rather be blown up.”
“Let me say, though, that Il Divo condemns this dastardly plan for mass murder,” baritone Carlos Marín added. “The only murder we condone is of hundreds of years of operatic tradition.”
The tour’s cancellation also means Il Divo will not be giving the troops in Iraq a concert, and the insurgents in Iraq target practice.
Il Divo say that they are committed to the war on terror, though, and will make their own distinct contribution to winning it. “We have recorded one of our trademark covers of ‘Give Peace A Chance’,” Marín said. “By bellowing Lennon’s song in Italian over a pseudoclassical backing, and adding so much vibrato that the lyrics are completely inaudible, we are sending a powerful message to the terrorists.”
Counter-terrorism experts agree that Osama bin Laden himself will hear Il Divo’s message, if his taste is bad enough.
But legendary boy-band the Backstreet Boys have urged Il Divo to continue their tour despite the restrictions. “We must keep fighting against all forms of extremism, just as our group has long struggled to win the safe middle ground in music,” A.J. McLean said. “If groups like Il Divo and ourselves are unable to peddle our saccharine pop the world over, the terrorists win.”