[Edition 89] A spokesman denied that the latest incidents indicate a pattern of prisoner abuse by Coalition troops. “This is merely the thirty-seventh exception that proves the rule,” he said.

A British soldier liberates an Iraqi’s teeth from his mouth

[Edition 89] New pictures depicting the abuse of Iraqi prisoners by British forces have forced the Coalition to admit the scourge of soldiers carrying cameras is more widespread than they originally thought. “I think we can no longer pin the blame for the entire prison abuse scandal on a few bad apples,” Major Dan Taylor told reporters. “It’s now clear that there have been several bad apples.”

Taylor denied that the latest incidents indicate a pattern of prisoner abuse by Coalition troops. “This is merely the thirty-seventh exception that proves the rule,” he said.

“What we have here are pictures, which may or may not be staged, of Iraqis, who may or may not have voluntarily placed themselves in compromising positions, next to figures, who may or may not be impersonating British troops, and who may or may not be in the process of liberating the Iraqis even as the photos were taken. Allegedly.”

“That is if you choose to believe mere photos over the word of our troops.”

Right-wing columnists throughout Britain have defended the men in the photos, describing their actions as “harmless pranks”. “Who hasn’t gotten on the sauce one Saturday night and pretended to punch and kick your mates for a hoot?” asked one talkback host. “Or at least tied them to the fork of a forklift?”

But Taylor was more perturbed by allegations of torture. “The Armed Forces abhors torture. Torture is what Saddam Hussein used to do – whereas we simply place suspects in ‘stress positions’. It’s totally different, so different it’s even got a different name.”

“What you must realise is these interrogation techniques will save lives,” he explained. “Sure, not the lives of those guys we electrocute – but other lives, better lives.”

The Coalition has promised to act swiftly to stamp out the problem of prisoner abuse, and has already nominated a public relations firm for the task.