[Edition 66] The CIA will offer recruits extensive training and millions of dollars worth of high-tech weapons systems in return for a promise to develop their organisation into a full-blown terrorist organisation capable of attacking the United States in the agreed year 2014.

CIA Director George Tenet announces the new recruiting drive

[Edition 66] LANGLEY, Friday: CIA Director George Tenet announced today that the agency has begun recruiting future enemies for the year 2014. The CIA is looking to recruit foreign nationals who are currently members of small paramilitary organisations which are no threat to the United States.

It will offer them extensive training and millions of dollars worth of high-tech weapons systems in return for a promise to develop their organisation into a full-blown terrorist organisation capable of attacking the United States in the agreed year 2014. The attack would then be used by the Pentagon to argue for maintaining the current military budget for another year.

Tenet stressed the Agency is an equal opportunity employer. “We’re looking to welcome people from all backgrounds into our programme,” he said. “Though we’ve obviously had most success with fundamentalist Muslims like Osama Bin Laden in recent years, who can say who the terrorist threats of tomorrow may be?”

Tenet listed Algerian nationalists, the Basque separatists operating in Spain, Somali warlords, Kurdish groups in Turkey and even the IRA as groups that would be capable of developing into a credible threat against the US if given access to state-of-the-art training and equipment.

The CIA confirmed it will also be continuing its special-entry recruiting programme for dictators in rogue states. The agency has been widely praised by Bush insiders for giving Saddam Hussein so many weapons to fight Iran in the 1980s that even the massive bombardment during the Gulf War wasn’t able to destroy all of the American-manufactured weapons of mass destruction that are now justifying a second attack on the impoverished nation.

“If we can convince the world that Iraq is a credible threat to US security, we can build up pretty much anyone,” Tenet explained. It is widely believed that recent recruits to this elite programme include the Sultan of Brunei and Prince Rainier of Monaco.

Tenet said he was looking forward to personally greeting the new recruits when they arrived secretly in Langley to sign their under-the-table deals.

“Now that the Cold War’s over, it’s really tough to develop enough threats to justify maintaining the military-industrial complex,” he said. “That’s why we’re so eager to welcome new potential enemies into the CIA programme. Future enemies, come and talk to us, because we can’t do this alone.”