[Edition 67] The aging Pontiff spoke enthusiastically about the possibilities of the new plan. “We need to make children bumbling social lepers who do their clothes shopping at Target and K-Mart, play Dungeons and Dragons, and dob in their neighbours for watering between 8am and 8pm,” said the aging Pontiff. “We should be encouraging anything that makes them less attractive.”

A case in point of how social awkwardness can prevent sex

[Edition 67] VATICAN, Tuesday: Pope John Paul II has spoken out in support of self-consciousness and social awkwardness as an acceptable form of contraception for young Catholics. The leader of the Catholic world issued the call to prevent pre-marital sex in a wide ranging interview with Spanish men’s magazine Matador.

The aging Pontiff spoke enthusiastically about the possibilities of the new plan. “We need to make children bumbling social lepers who do their clothes shopping at Target and K-Mart, play Dungeons and Dragons, and dob in their neighbours for watering between 8am and 8pm,” said the aging Pontiff. “We should be encouraging anything that makes them less attractive.”

“If we can just export social retardedness to the Third World we could go some way to solving the AIDS problem. It’s about increasing the sweaty palm factor – it can even be used as a contraceptive by married couples.”

Archbishop of Auckland, Fred Baggins, is a strong supporter, saying the Holy Father’s initiative is a welcome return to tradition. “Let’s go back to the good old days when we bred the younger members of the flock into unhappy shell-shocked social cripples.”

Peter Jensen, Archbishop if Sydney said the proposal was a nonsense idea from an archaic branch of Christendon. “Why would we encourage young people to become social lepers and isolate themselves when they should be doing healthy things like going out in big groups and beating seven kinds of shit out of faggots.”