fbpx
HOME

Kate Middleton turns down Charles’s idea for a photo-op in a Paris tunnel

WORLD |

Princess Kate Middleton has reportedly caused chaos in Buckingham Palace after refusing King Charles’s suggestion to calm down the conspiracy theories surrounding Kate by holding a photo-op in a Paris tunnel.

“It’s a family tradition,” King Charles told Princess Kate, “people want to know where you are while you’re being a pain in our asses and a quick photo-op with paparazzi following you through a Paris tunnel doing what they do best, would clear everything up.”

“We always have this is a back-up plan ready to go. I offer Meghan a driving tour of the tunnels every week as a sort of apology for what has transpired but she never accepts either.”

“Anyway I hear the tunnels are amazing this time of year, far better than that boring French countryside. So much room for driving around and the concrete is extra firm for putting a stop to it all. What do you say? I book a one way flight and let’s ‘bury’ these issues once and for all… so to speak.”

The Chaser’s Guide to not being ‘Woke’

ADVICE |

or 85 things the media says is ‘woke’ so you can avoid them.

Are you too woke? Concerned that you may accidentally be woke because of something you said? You need to keep up to date to make sure you don’t become part of the increasingly massive woke brigade!

With everyone from Anthony Albanese to Peter Dutton declaring themselves to be “anti-woke”, it’s clearly the hip thing to be.

However, many readers have expressed concern that it’s hard to keep up with what is woke nowadays. So here is a simple list of 85 things to avoid in order to stop ‘woke cancel culture’ for good:

So if you want to ‘embrace common sense’ by being ‘anti-woke cancel culture’ as the media suggests, just avoid all those things and enjoy whatever is left (although you should probably search to find out if what you are doing is woke, but also remember that search engines are woke so you can’t use those to find out).

Yours,

John Delmenico

Editor of The Chaser


This article originally appeared as part of The Chaser Weakly Newsletter, sign up for free at the bottom of the page for jokes you don’t see anywhere else!

Government that ‘cant afford’ to raise JobSeeker, finds spare $840m to give to Gina

NATIONAL |

The federal government who constantly tells everyone there is simply no way for them to find any money for raising JobSeeker recipients out of poverty, has suddenly found a spare $840m to give to mining billionaire Gina Rinehart to raise her out of needing to pay for her own mine.

“Good governance is about priorities,” said Anthony Albanese while wiping caviar off his face, “what people need to understand is that there is no magical pool of money for us to do things like assist renters or fully fund the NDIS. Well not without hurting the billionaires who need it most.”

“A Liberal Party government would have just handed over the money, where as we have said we would like some of it back at some point, please…Totally cool if not.”

“And that is how I fight these rich tories who spend millions to spread disinformation whenever I consider a progressive policy, sometimes I don’t even kiss their ring, I just polish it for them. That is what a Labor government does best.”

“This is an extra emotional deal for me, see growing up my mum never got the chance to give a billionaire $840 million of taxpayer money for a new mine. But now I have the opportunity to.”

Families in Gaza begin work on suspicious photoshop pic in hopes to get the media worrying about their wellbeing

WORLD |

Following days of wall-to-wall coverage of the photoshopped photo of Kate Middleton and her kids, a family in Gaza has decided to try make their own suspiciously photoshopped image in the ruins of their house in hopes to get international media to start caring about their wellbeing.

“Like everyone we are really concerned for the princess,” said the mother of the family while hoping the aid truck will actually be allowed in today, “I heard she went in for abdominal surgery. Doing so at a time like this is terrifying, I mean I assume she had no anaesthetic. I just pray that the hospital she was in wasn’t bombed.”

When asked about the decision to try and make her own terrible photoshop of her family, she explained that desperate times called for desperate measures and hoped that she could trick the world into thinking what is happening to thousands of families where she is might also be worth focusing on.

“It was hard to find a laptop with photoshop on it in the refugee camp,” she explained, “but luckily one of the few remaining journalists who haven’t been killed by the IDF said we could use her one.”

“Using the program has been a real learning experience, which is great because the kids haven’t learned anything in months because their school was destroyed.”

She went on to explain that her dream would be to not only get the world’s media to start caring, but also maybe even world leaders.

“We recently had our visas to Australia cancelled for no reason, but maybe if we do this the Australian government will realise we are just as human as the Royal Family they bend over backwards to bring to Australia. And unlike them, we would actually enjoy being in the country.”

TikTok users excited to hear Americans will be banned from the app

GENERAL NEWS |

TikTok users in America were excited to here that the American Congress has actually managed to do something today, before being devastated to hear that what they are doing is moving to ban TikTok.

While the news has been met with fury from American creators on the app, users around the world have come out in strong support of the controversial ban in hopes of finally having a social media platform that is free from American users.

“I would hate to see TikTok be banned,” said John 26, “unless that ban happens in America. I mean I use the app everyday and now I’m imagining how peaceful it would be if we got rid of all the Americans?”

“All the jokes they don’t get, all the times they start arguments because they don’t get that you aren’t talking about America, the annoying culture wars, having to hear about Trump… all gone in the blink of an eye.”

“The timing with the American election is obviously concerning. Democrats were talking about how they were going to use the app to help secure the youth vote, so I hope that they act as swiftly as possible so we can save ourselves from how annoying the political content will be. No one needs to see Joe Biden try to figure out how to do a TikTok live stream.”

“At the very least they should try and save us from all the terrible Trump impressions that will flood the app again.”

VOX Pop: where do you think Kate Middleton is?

GENERAL NEWS |

A lot of people have questions about where Princess Kate Middleton is. Here is what some people had to say about her whereabouts:

“I hear she’s competing in the Masked Singer.” – Lauren 33, group chat enthusiast

“Hopefully picking up a strap on.” – William 41, nepo baby

“Not in a Paris tunnel, that’s for sure. No need to check there.” – Charles 75, King of England

“She’s in Hawaii smoking a joint with Tupac.” – Margaret 83, retired nurse

“The princess is in another castle.” – Toad 43, plumber’s assistant

“She was KIDNAPPED by Meghan MARKLE!” –  Stacy 24, aspiring Daily Mail writer

“Why is everyone freaking out? This is just the regular rest period after a routine shedding of lizard person skin.” – Mike 30, a professional Joe Rogan listener

“Doing nangs in the Broadway Maccas toilet.”- Jackie 17, frustrated McDonalds worker

“She’s currently just serving in the Time Wars against Mecha-Caesar.” – (Redacted), CIA

Boeing whistleblower reportedly dies after not putting his phone on airplane mode

GENERAL NEWS |

Boeing has put out a statement after a major whistleblower against the organisation died, with the airline claiming that the man simply forgot to put his phone on airplane mode.

“What a shame,” said a smiling Boeing executive, “gosh it’s just so devastating what happened. And to die in such a non-suspicious way. That’s why you always got to switch it to flight mode before wanting to text people leaking information.”

“I bet he also didn’t listen to the inflight safety demonstration, especially when it comes to the brace position and how it involves shutting up.”

Israel claims it’s only blocking food to Gaza out of respect for Ramadan

WORLD |

The Israeli government has put out a statement giving well wishes to everyone taking part in Ramadan this year, saying that they are only blocking food from entering the Gaza out of respect for the tradition.

“People claim we have no respect for the lives of those we want to wipe out,” said Netanyahu, “but we understand that Ramadan has started and we are doing everything in our power to stop those observing the tradition in Palestine from breaking it by making it that there is no food for them to eat. We are really heroic in that way.”

“It’s also why we have been doing it for months, just to really make sure that no extra food slips in there. Big thanks to America, Australia and the UK for helping with this noble cause of keeping food out of the mouths of needy children.”

The Australian Foreign Minister Penny Wong has released a statement saying she is ‘deeply concerned’ by ‘Australia’s friend’ before announcing her full support of the IDF by declaring that Australia wont reinstate UNRWA funding to provide aid to the region until Israel declares it’s a respectful time to let refugee children eat again.

Image Gallery: Royal Family releases more images of Kate Middleton alive and well

WORLD |

The Royal Family has provided The Chaser with more exclusive images of Kate Middleton and as a good news outlet, we feel no need to question the validity of the images.

Above is her reading today’s newspaper and below is her catching up with her family:

 

And here are pictures of Middleton out and about:

And finally an exclusive image of where the Princess has been for the past few months:

Local boss humbly offers woman who was forced to make Women’s Day cupcakes 81% of a cupcake

GENERAL NEWS |

A local male boss has made a heroic gesture by humbly offering an International Women’s Day cupcake to the woman he made cook all the cupcakes in the first place.

The boss (who ate 20 of the cupcakes himself) said that by cooking all the cupcakes, his female employee had really earned herself a treat of 81% of a cupcake.

“Gosh what a guy,” said Katy while being forced to clean up after the morning tea she was made to organise despite it not being part of her job description, “he clearly really cares about the plight of women.”

“I mean sure he may be pocketing all the cash and promoted Michael despite basically every woman in this building filing complaints against him. But my boss worked did put extra effort into pretending to listen to the guest speaker we had while she talked about societal issues and women’s safety. This year he even kept his phone on silent while he played games on it.”

“Plus we can’t forget the social media statement that he signed which was just beautiful. I mean sure it was ghost written by Katherine, but he remembered to take the credit for writing it. He is an inspiration to us all.”

The boss reportedly gave a heartfelt speech during the breakfast about how amazing he is for employing women, “I think it’s important to give women opportunities. From the ladies here in the office who made the cupcakes, to the sweatshop workers overseas who make the stuff we sell, I allow you to have jobs and that is very brave of me. That’s why I am proud to accept the first ever ‘Women’s Day Ally Award’, as voted by me.”