For the first time in recorded history, Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made himself relatable to the Australian public by revealing he too was nervous about Scott Morrison being Prime Minister.

The former Prime Minister revealed that he experienced anxiety after running the entire country proved to be a bit stressful, but was comforted by the fact he wasn’t alone.

“If only I knew the way to relate to the Australian people was admitting I wasn’t sure about this guy running the country, I wouldn’t have to pretend to be a welder or a hairdresser or anything like that.”

“I had no idea mental health was such an issue, all the other men in politics I talk to respond with a stern ‘I’m fine thanks’ when I ask them if everything is okay. To think some people are walking around dealing with the same anxiety as me.”

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has responded, announcing an additional $4 million for MPs to access mental health services, “my government will ensure that no one, whether you’re an elected MP or a Senator will have to struggle with stress or mental health.”

*If your mental health has been affected by Scott Morrison, support options are available from Google and from not voting people like him in.

Former Ministers Scott Morrison has called for sympathy for mental health issues after revealing all the lies he told as PM gave him anxiety.

“Mental health is so important if you’re white,” he stated solemnly at a press conference.

“Anyone you know could secretly be five cabinet ministers and that sort of thing takes a toll, I should know,” he said. “I’m not sure anyone could really understand how stressful the last few years have been, I only got three quarters of the way through my Hawaiian vacation before I had to come back and refuse to help with the bushfires, which was very stressful.”

“On top of that I had to deal with the pandemic and no matter how much I put all of the work on the state governments people still expected me to work through my anxiety.”

“Being a Minister is an incredibly stressful job, Mr Speaker,” he said to a female journalist.

“Working in a cafe or being in the medical profession is one thing, have you ever been asked to order millions of vaccines? I had to get Kevin07 to do it because I was busy secretly seizing power under the guise of a public emergency. It’s almost like anxiety was something that stopped me doing my best work? Yeah, that was it. It was the anxiety that explains everything.”

Probable rapist Bruce Lehrmann has shown remorse for the first ever time after his beloved karaoke machine was put up for sale in order to pay his legal costs.

“I had no idea there would be actual consequences,” said a teary eyed Lehrmann, “I was told in the prayer room that if I just push hard enough I could scare all these women into silence, no one said there would be any downside to my indifference to consent! Now how am I meant to sing I fought the law and Bruce won?”

The Karaoke machine wasn’t the only item he put up for sale, with others including a Channel 7 pass, a frequent customer card to a ‘massage’ place and a collection of empty baggies.

*UPDATE* Each item has been bought for a million dollars each by an anonymous billionaire.

The Daily Mail Australia has announced they have hired a new political editor in Christian Porter’s former PR Manager Peter van Onselen.

“On a macro level, he will fit in perfectly here,” said another Daily Mail editor, “but on a micro level, when it comes to defending powerful men and telling women to smile more, boy is he a natural”

“I mean he even attacks people like Grace Tame, Brittany Higgins and has been accused of bullying female colleagues, he truly get’s what we are all about. The only things left that he will need to learn is how to add more cleavage to his thumbnails and which words to randomly capitalise. But, based on his general smug demeanour, I assume that won’t take long.”

The news of PvO’s move to the Daily Mail has been met with many people saying ‘yeah, that checks out’, which is a response so damaging to a journalist’s reputation that the defamation suit enthusiast has already begun work copy and pasting a cease and desist letter.

However the announcement has led to outrage amongst students at the university where he is a lecturer, with one student telling The Chaser, “I am getting into how much HECS debt only to be taught journalism from a guy at the Daily Mail? And if we are learning standards from the Daily Mail, does that mean I get marked down or marked up for plagiarism?”

A Sydney based cocaine dealer has disappointedly cancelled his purchase of a brand new yacht following ‘lying rapist’ Bruce Lehrmann’s humiliating defamation loss.

“Does Bruce not think about the consequences of his actions?” said Dave Baggins. “If he had gotten that payout I would have been rolling in cash, but now I just need to use the money from other political staffers and Channel 7. Which is enough to fund the mansion sure, but not enough to add on a yacht.”

“Plus my plans to open a Karaoke bar are completely ruined.”

“All he had to do was not rape anyone and we would have had so much money, the literal lowest bar possible. What a total cunt. Maybe I should just stop hanging out with political staffers, they are really hurting the reputation of drug cartels everywhere.”

Bruce Lehrmann has secured exactly what he wanted in defamation court today as the ruling will mean no one will refer to him as an ‘alleged rapist’ anymore.

This change comes as Justice Lee said in his ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Bruce Lehrmann raped Brittany Higgins. In a case that former Attorney General Christian Porter has labelled an embarrassing step-down from Channel 10.

“Mr Lehrmann just wanted the truth to be out there,” said his lawyer, “and with this verdict that has been achieved.”

“So while some may say that he completely embarrassed himself by pushing for an unnecessary case with the level of entitlement that the sort of man who would be described by a judge as having an indifference to consent, we prefer to see this as a massive win and money well spent.”

The news has been tragic to a Sydney based cocaine dealer who was planning to put down a deposit on a yacht if Lehrmann managed to get a massive payout.

Cancer has denied allegations that it killed Naked Gun star OJ Simpson, before immediately announcing a new book called “If I Did It” about how it would have killed the bloody knife collector.

“It is heartbreaking that people would suggest that I killed OJ,” said Cancer, “sure my cells were all over the scene of the death, but that’s just because I had given OJ a big hug which accidentally spilled all my blood and cancer on the door handles and body. No one else was there to see it, but do I seem like someone who could kill anyone?”

“Now if I were to kill him, I would have systematically attacked his cells and weakened him over time. Boy it felt good… I mean it umm felt good to write the book.”

“It’s crazy that people would suggest that I killed him, I don’t even have hands so a glove definitely can’t fit me. I am as guilty of murder as OJ Simpson was.”

UPDATE: Cancer has now been spotted evading police in a white bronco.