[Edition 20] Microsoft today announced it will break up, despite a wildly successful relationship that has lasted 24 years. “The time has come see other operating systems, and that, like so many things, was really incompatible with Windows,” Bill Gates said.

[Edition 20] REDMOND, Tuesday: The Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, Mr Bill Gates, today announced that Microsoft may have to break up, despite a wildly successful relationship that has lasted 24 years. The Operating System division will split from the Application Software arm. The reasons for the schism have not been made clear, but Microsoft executives have confirmed that, given the recent decision by the US Federal Court, this is definitely a trial separation.

“The parties agreed that they would just be good friends. No regrets,” one executive said. “Our relationship has often stalled but we had a lot of good times – like when cornered the entire software market.”

Insiders say that Window 2000’s Internet-linked Help functions were used extensively in counselling before the break-up, but even that was not enough to repair the relationship. Under the break-up agreement the Windows Help function will no longer be allowed to seek advice from the Internet.

Mr Gates denied the break-up came after a disagreement over who should pay the phone bill. “Windows kept on calling the Internet, even when it wasn’t necessary,” a spokesperson for the Applications Division said. “But the time has come to get out and see other operating systems, and that, like so many things, was really incompatible with Windows.” But Gates claims that the Windows division was behind the split, and needed freedom to pursue its interest in surfing and other recreational pursuits. “Just work, work, work all the time, that’s all Microsoft Office ever wanted to do. I mean have you ever tried playing games with Excel?” Gates asked. “To be honest, it’s not a whole lot of fun.”