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Tributes flow as the world learns that Fidel Castro wasn’t already dead

The Cuban government has confirmed today that former President Fidel Castro died late Friday at age 90, following a prolonged struggle with the CIA.

One of the leading revolutionary figures of the 20th Century, Castro is best known among younger generations as a close friend and confidant of capitalist poster-boy Che Guevara, and for his involvement in the Cuban missile crisis, an event that brought the world closer to nuclear annihilation than it had been at any time up until last week when President-Elect Trump got into a twitter feud with a Broadway musical.

Outliving six American Presidents, and leading Cuba for over 50 years, Castro is said to have owed his longevity to his healthy lifestyle of high stress, heavy smoking and constant assassination attempts by the CIA.

Heads of state from around the world have sent condolences to Cuba in the wake of their former leader’s death, with the Pope sending “sentiments of grief”, Chinese President Xi Jinping lamenting the loss of a “Cherished Comrade”, and American President-elect Donald Trump tweeting “suc it castro, USA rulez!!1!” followed by a picture of his penis.